01 Dinner, jazz and afternoon tea cruises
4 compared from €42 typically 3h 4.09 average
The expensive end and the weakest ratings, from €42 to €129 with a €103 median. Afternoon tea between Westminster and Greenwich rates best of them at around 4.15; the three-hour dinner cruises sit lower and the reviews name the food, as they do on every river in Europe. Two hours on a boat with a set menu is a long time on a river this narrow. Book tea rather than dinner if you want the format.
02 London Eye river cruises
3 compared from €18 typically 45 min 4.54 average
Forty minutes from the pier under the wheel, from €18, and it rates 4.78 from nearly two thousand reviews, which makes it the best short cruise in the city. Median €55 once a wheel ticket is bundled in. The route runs down to Tower Bridge and back with a live commentary. If you are riding the Eye anyway, the combined ticket saves a queue as well as money.
03 Speedboats, river passes and bus-and-boat tickets
5 compared from €38 typically 1h10 4.05 average
The speedboat is the outlier of this catalogue: fifty minutes, a soundtrack, and a rating of 4.96 from more than four thousand reviews, the highest of any boat on this page, at €38 and above. The bus-and-boat combinations at a €74 median rate far lower and carry the most reviews of anything here, which is a useful warning about what volume means. Buy the boat and the bus separately if you want both.
04 Sightseeing cruises from Westminster to Greenwich
6 compared from €12 typically 1h 4.38 average
The honest option, from €12 with a €20 median. An hour downstream past the South Bank, the Tower and Wapping to Greenwich, with a guide on the better boats and a scheduled river-bus service on the cheapest. Ratings run 4.25 to 4.78 and the difference is whether anyone is talking. Go downstream to Greenwich and take the DLR back; the return leg on the water shows you nothing new.